Sunday Confessions

Once again, (like so many times before) I apologize for my lack of posting. I apparently suck at life. But before anyone tries to make me think otherwise, let me explain myself. (NOTE: I started writing this out on paper and it got kinda long and my hand started to cramp.. So if you don't want to read a long rambling post, I completely understand!)

I've debated for several months now about doing a post disclosing my "secret". One minute, I'm determined to write it all out and the next I change my mind. But more recently, it's really been on my mind to share this with all of you. (ok, all 11 of you) I have decided that I'm not gonna hide behind closed doors (or closed computers!) anymore and actually do something about it. So, here goes...

For most of my life, I have struggled with depression.

A shortened version of my long, wrote on paper history would be this. My mom struggles with depression and I believe my grandmother did as well. It kinda runs in my genes I guess. And nothing against my mom or grandmother! They are/were the most amazing women in my life and I thank God everyday for them both. But it didn't help growing up with a mother who didn't think very highly of herself. It reflected a bad image onto myself. I've always had body issues, beauty issues, social issues. I've never considered myself good enough.

When I was around 14/15, I started taking Paxil. My world changed. I no longer had panic attacks. I started becoming a little more outgoing. I even moved out of state when I turned 18, all by myself! I believe I was around 20 when I stopped taking Paxil. My insurance company messed up the order (we got the 90day supplies through the mail) and it ended up being 2 weeks late. I had horrible withdrawals and crazy headaches. When my pills finally did arrive, I wasn't going to make myself go through all that again by starting out with such a high dosage. I just stopped. I was fine. Nothing changed back to they way it was. Life was ok.

Fast forward to about a year ago. My job began to get worse and worse. I honestly feel as tho my job affected my relapse. I worked retail for Kirkland's Home stores for almost 9 years and in two different states. I loved my job. Until a little before christmas this past year. I simply got fed up and burnt out. Being a manager during the holiday season isn't easy by itself. You throw in being burnt out on top of that and well, it wasn't pretty. I have some wonderful memories from my days at Kirkland's. Most of my best friends to this day were my co-workers. The company itself began to just expect to much. Not to mention our insane District Manager. (you know who you are!) And if by some odd reason you happen to stumble upon this little ole blog post, I just have a few words to share. You, my friend, are a horrible DM. You expect entirely to much from your managers and staff. Nobody is perfect, especially you. Perfection is an impossible task to ask for. And most importantly, every single one of your employees are over the age of 18. You should treat them as such. None of us, and I repeat, NONE of us appreciated being talked to like a 5 year old. Respect is earned. In my opinion, you never really earned mine.

Whew! I know how petty that must sound, but I have wanted to vent that out for a long time now. And naturally, this is my own personal opinion from being on the inside. I ask that no one base any judgements on them based on my opinion. Kirkland's is a great store, with great employees and I encourage you to continue shopping with them. And if you've never visited one, you need to! You won't be disappointed!

Anyways, I got waaaaay off track there. Sorry. So fast forward up until June. I quit. I had reached a point where I would come home in a bad mood almost every day. I would take it out on M and my family and that wasn't fair to them. I had completely lost my patience with ignorant, rude customers. I actually cringed when someone would ask me for help. Obviously, that's a sign to make a change. So I did. I decided to focus on starting my own business. Hence, Holly in Wonderland. It's been a slow start, but that's mostly my fault and what I'm getting to with all this jibber jabber!

Since I have been home, I have slipped back into my depression. I never leave the house. I've driven my car only once since June. I spend all day alone with my animals and I wallow. I have let my self hate affect me to the point that I do nothing. My house is a wreck, the laundry is mountainous, no projects are getting done. I hate to admit this, but I've even gone days without showering. (gross! tell me about it.) I know that I need to break this slump before it completely ruins me. It may help if I'd see someone and maybe start another form of medication, but I've been happy without pills before. I feel as if I really try that I can be again. Baby steps, I guess.

Soooooo, what this all boils down to is that I have decided that I will start doing a "feature" on my blog called Fantabulous Fridays. Every friday I will give a weekly recap of the things I accomplished or did not accomplish. I will constructively criticize myself and I will also praise myself. I will post goals for the upcoming week, so that it can be made known (through pictures if I have to!) what I got done and what I did not. It makes it even better by having you out there reading what I post. Because now I have people to hold me accountable for my actions and naturally I won't want to post that I've done nothing. I'm hoping that by recognizing once again that I have a problem and choosing to act on it in such a public way that I can make some changes.

If you are still reading this, Bless your heart! Thank you to those who do read my blog, even though there are few of you. I know that I'm just starting out in this grand blog world and I'm hoping that one day I can make my own little mark on it.

I hope that all you have had an amazing weekend and HAVE A SPOOKTACULAR HALLOWEEN!!

Zoey in her Devil hat!

Posted in: lifestyle